Sad thoughts

As I am taking care of Paul and doing my best to be calm and helpful I am working very hard at not crying. There is nowhere I would rather be than in this house taking care of my husband, but there have been a few things that have made me so sad that I have had to escape to my computer to just sit out the wave of feeling. I want to call someone and cry, but there is a part of me that first doesn't know who to call and second feels so foolish about the whole thing. What am I going to do when I am a mother? The helplessness of Paul makes me think about how glad I am that we are young and he will bounce back in at least 18 more hours. But there will be a day when we may be caring for one another permanantly. There are couples who live this way and my heart is humbled. What a selfish woman I am to not even give daily thanks for the strength I have in my body as well as the strength in the couples that care for each other when they are truly sick. Like Pam, a woman at our church who has three young girls and a husband and is fighting her second round of leathel cancer in her mid to late 30's. Or all the elderly couples in our church whose bodies are deteriorating and live in this care taking mode for each other daily. I pray that God would give me the strength to care for Paul should he need me to serve him in that way for life. Like Mrs. Reeves. I pray that I will be a stong servant not only to my Lord but to my husband when he needs me. Then on top of all these thoughts, I feel anxious for those who get as sick as Paul and live alone. They do not have someone there to empty bedside "waste recepticals", change sheets and get towels and water and all the other little things that I am doing this morning. I realized that this is not to different from the physical helplessness of growing old. I know that I am not strong enough to take on this role at this point in my life...but I pray that over the years of our marriage that the Lord will mold me and grow me to be a strong woman who can deal with it when we are in our 80's...