Yesterday when I came home from work, I had a message from the director of DHS (Department of Human Services, formally known as the Family Independence Agency). About a year ago I e-mailed the director and sent her my resume and things just in case there would have been a job opening – the state has had a hiring freeze, Granholm’s solution to budget cutes and management. The message stated that there is now an opening and she would like my information updated if I am still interested in this position. At first I was a rather excited – FINALLY – a call back on a job. Then as I thought about it more, the more I began to get stressed. “Why” you ask, in short, I am afraid to get back into a job that will control my life. I am assuming that it is a foster care position as that is what I am most skilled in and I am also assuming that this position is going to be a full time spot, two things I am not overly thrilled with. I couldn’t sleep last night with the thoughts that I was processing through. I tried to think of all the pros and cons and then just came to the realization that I am not sure that I am capable of making this kind of a decision with a clear mind.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
I have been saying this to myself over and over again (Thank goodness I memorized this in college, it has gotten me through a lot since then). The only thing I feel like I can do right now is not worry about making the decision. I can’t make it right now. So I won’t. But the idea that this job would enable my future as well as throw a wrench in my future, mainly in regard to starting a family, has been nagging at me. We would have a job with security and dependability, but then also I would not easily be able to just leave the job (especially on our current income level) to have kids. And kids are a must for us. It is confusing and frustrating. I already have a cold sore developing in my lip from the stress of thinking about it. I AM my fathers daughter.