Late at night - read at own risk...

I heard something recently that hurt me a lot. I didn't think much of it at the time as I have become so skilled at pretending that these particular incidences don't bother me. But it isn't true, they do bother me and always have. I remember when I first started to deal with this particular issue. I didn't know how to deal with it then (as a tween) any better than I do now. My first tendency is to escape it, which is what I did in the past. Just stop thinking about it, when it gets too heavy on my heart to get on the treadmill, listen to my MP3 player and push it out of my brain. Since having the most emotionally healthy and flourishing relationship of my life with my husband, issues such as these have seemed like a distant land that I would never have to visit again. Well tonight, as if on cue, when Paul slipped off to sleep and I started to process my feelings as I unwove my inner workings to get to sleep, this ugly issue kept popping up. So here I am.

I began to wonder how this issue could be changed. As I thought about it the more overwhelmed I was by the complexity of the issue and in reality, how little the actual issue has to do with me. This then made me think about how I was going to have to deal with this issue for the rest of my life. This distressed me greatly and so I got out of bed. Why is it that many people have no idea that they are hurting others? Why don't other people strive for wholeness and completeness in their relationships? Why is what is right is so often overshadowed by what feels right? When did avoidance of those we love become an acceptable way to handle conflict? How do you bring wholeness and peace to those who have none...and therefore are affecting those around them negatively? I believe in change. I believe in Gods ability to change situations and people because I have seen it happen. So why is it so hard for me to rely on the power of prayer? Why, when I am faced with this situation, do I run through all the possibilities of things that I could do to make things whole and right again just to be disappointed because really...there isn't a single thing that I can do? If only questions could get me closer to answers.