For those of you out there who got married at an early age (possibly right after high school or before college graduation) what is some thoughts you would share with others in that situation who may be struggling with an unsupportive family? Also, what are some of the things that you and your spouse did prior to marriage or engagement that really aided in preparing you for marriage, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I will add my two cents here - but please, post about this. I am curious.
- Paul and I read A LOT about marriage. We read books, talked, completed work books etc. We received a lot of conversation topics that helped us learn about things that we weren't thinking about when we were in the "I just want to be married" phase.
- I had a spiritual mentor who walked me through some of the hardest choices about my relationship with Paul. She was/is a STRONG Christian woman who I respected tremendously and her faith and encouragement aided me in ways that my family and friends could not.
- I spent time around Christian couples who I admired. My Mom and Dad were not Christians and they both came to know Christ later in life - my parents are also divorced - making getting married the scariest thing I think I ever did.. but also the best thing I ever did.
- When we didn't receive good pre-marital counseling from the church we got married in...we went to a Family Life Marriage Conference. It was the best pre-marital counseling we could have received. It brought up so many issues, topics, everything and gave Paul and I a good format to talk about things. I think it was also a great way for the two of us to appropriately approach the topic of Sex (something that doesn't always come up prior to marriage - for those who are abstinent - and as a result can cause communication problems after marriage) in a biblical and guided way. It also gave us more resources...that we still use 6 years later!
- Please, share what you did to prepare for your marriage that was helpful and beneficial!
- If you aren't married/engaged - what are some things that have been helpful to you or would be helpful but you haven't found for your stage in life?
4 comments:
I don't actually have a lot to add to what you've already listed. We were married 1 year before Jason's college graduation 1 1/2 years before my college graduation.
I think it helped for our families to know that we had a solid plan for finishing college, making enough money to support ourselves, where we were to live, etc.
The number one issue I recommend young pre-married couples to consider--seriously and fully--is commitment. Evaluate your level and patterns of commitment throughout your life, and discern if you really understand what commitment means. Take some time with this--weeks/months, if you can--and do it both alone and with a strong spiritual mentor who has been married for longer than a couple of years. Then, do a study on what true commitment really means (word study, topical study, Bible study, all of the above.) Marriage, above all other things, is about a loving commitment.
Young people have a really hard time grasping that before they're married, but I think trying to understand the concept prior to marriage is a good start.
I also think it really helps to have older Christian couples mentor you. Not just fun dinners and chats about wedding planning with token prayers thrown in here or there, but a solid couple who will discuss the nitty gritty with you. Even though pre-married couples have a difficult time grasping some of the realities of long-term covenant marriages, again, it helps to try to understand. (I remember being engaged and incredulously listening to a young-ish wife tell me that she and her husband were in a season of only having sex about once a week. Do y'all remember that hormonal engagement period, when it seems totally impossible that a young married couple wouldn't be, ahem, relating, every second they got? I needed to hear about the real post-honeymoon year deal.)
I think the thing that helped us most was having so much time of "real life" living after college before we got married. It's not realistic or an option for some couples, for whatever reason... but I think taking care of your own place, paying bills, working at a steady job - and watching the other person doing the same, can prevent many surprises. Everyone told us the first year of marriage was the hardest, and Jon and I kept saying during our first year, "this is a piece of cake! Why do people say that?" I think we just had a lot more life experience than most people... and it really does make a difference.
As far as not having supportive parents... good parents do know best in many cases. So the couple should honestly look at the reasons parents may have objections - and work through those things with the parents to ensure everyone is on the same page. But, Parents may not have all the same information - especially if they only spend time with the potential spouse on rare occassions. Part of that depends on the couple too - I would guess that the younger the couple, the more they should listen to their parents. (Probably not what the young couple would want to hear.)
Maren, Paul and I kept hearing that too - real life will set in - the honeymoon will be over soon - the first few years are the hardest, etc. Paul and I are still waiting for it to get hard. I guess I attribute it to how much preperation we had going into it, as well as the time we took to invest in preparing ourselves - I think it made all the difference.
I agree with all the wisdom posted previously-good stuff! Being single, I am able to focus on my relationship as the bride of Christ. Though I previously thought this was just interesting imagery, when I was journaling one night about my commitment to Him and it started to sound like marraige vows, I realized that He wanted me as His bride, and I desired Him as my bridegroom (to foresake all others, honor and submit to Him.) Focusing on this aspect of my relationship with Jesus is preparing me for an earhtly husband, should that happen one day. God has also given me life circumstances that are testing my faith-ability to trust His Word, my character, my beliefs, and my ability to commit when the going gets tough. Through all of these everyday choices in my life; (sticking with a job when it is boring, repetetive, very hard) I believe that He is preparing me for a marraige commitment.
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